John of All Trades

Since we moved from Kansas to Florida in 2003, I’ve noticed a few weird things about Kansans and the weather. It may be obvious, but most Kansans I’ve talked to are surprised to find out that Kansas actually gets hotter than Gainesville, Florida. They expect it to be hot – duh, it’s FLORIDA – but it’s actually not that bad, unless you count that August humidity that you can practically chew.

The real kicker, though, is the typical reaction I get in conversations this time of year. For instance, when I mention how cold it got last night, I normally have to use the word ‘chilly’. The one word I have to avoid is ‘cold’. Mention the word ‘cold’ on a call from Florida to Kansas, and you’re in for a penis-measuring contest. We get responses of ‘poor wittle baby’ and such. Like we don’t remember getting frost bite on our noses while scraping our windshields on the way to work in the morning…I mean, it’s not like we’re from Ecuador, for cryin’ out loud. Every year my mom reminds us to bring warm clothes when we come for Christmas, as if we might just show up in the shorts and flip-flops that we all wear year-round here. It’s gotten to the point that almost anytime I talk to someone outside the state this time of year, I adopt this cautious, apologetic tone when the subject of the weather comes up.

Here’s a little insight, though: last year, it did get down to 11 F here for a night or two. Unless you’re in Canada, that’s fairly cold. Most Kansans don’t go out much when it gets that cold. No, 11 F isn’t as cold as it gets in Kansas, but I’ve been through winters in Kansas where it didn’t get much colder than that.

The bottom line is, we came down here for the sole purpose of graduate school. We miss having real seasons like hell, where you have more than the change in humidity to mark time. Personally, I miss nights so cold that sound itself seems to die, and the stars shine like chips of ice embedded in utter blackness. I have fond memories of shuffling into a cedar for cover from the biting wind at 5 AM on a hunting trip, waiting for daybreak. I like the cold. So, it’s a downer that I can’t express my excitement at getting a taste of real cold in this lukewarm non-paradise.

Kansans: if you have a problem with the cold, and aren’t just looking to protect your bragging rights or some such bullshit, then I have advice for you: move south. You can have it.